Behind the Falls Read online

  He looks at me without speaking for the longest time. I can’t read the look on his face. Earlier I thought perhaps Max has his own secrets. It’s quite possible he’s about to tell me one. Then I think, That’s ridiculous. Max is so honest and open and downright confident that what the heck could he be afraid to tell me? Suddenly he shivers and smiles and then the hair falls back in his eyes.

  “Fuck it’s cold!” he says instead of whatever it was he had been about to say.

  “Again I say, lightweight,” I laugh. Gran said last winter was really mild and it was Max’s first experience with winter in a cold climate. What is he going to be like in February if he thinks this is cold? He’d never survive a Chicago winter.

  “It’s worth braving the cold to come here in the coldest part of the winter though,” he says. “The falls actually freeze…at least they froze last year. It’s amazing, No! You need to see it!”

  I can’t imagine a solid sheet of ice instead of this ever moving, changing blanket of water. It must seem eerily quiet without the sound of the water. I’ll definitely come back here in the winter as long as Max dresses warmly enough that he’s not shivering next to me.

  “Seriously, we should go before you become hypothermic or something,” I tease even though I don’t really want to leave this place. It’s probably getting late anyway as my stomach reminds me when it growls hungrily. We didn’t get lunch at school today and we came right here. I should have filled up on licorice. I take Max’s wrist and turn it so I can see his watch. 3:30!? Is that even possible? It’s going to start getting dark soon. It’s dark so early these days even though we don’t set the clocks back until Saturday night.

  “Okay, you’re right. It’s getting late and I’m starved! Do you want to come over for dinner or maybe just go to the diner or something?” Max says as he stands and brushes off his pants. I shrug. Mom said they wouldn’t be home before dinner so I’m sure they wouldn’t care if I make plans.

  “Sure,” I say as Max extends a hand to help me up. As I take his hand he pulls me to my feet maybe using a little more muscle than he planned and I stumble to my feet, slipping on the slightly damp rocks. Max reacts quickly and before I can fall he grabs me by the waist to steady me.

  “Thanks,” I give a slight laugh at my own clumsiness. Max doesn’t say anything. He goes very still and just looks at me. His hands still rest at my waist and his crystal blue eyes suddenly seem piercing in their intensity. I’m not sure if time actually stands still or if it’s just my perception of it that seems to stop.

  Max tosses his head to flick the hair out of his eyes which he narrows as he continues to look at me. He looks down, at the ground or at his hands still at my waist I’m not sure. When he brings his gaze back up to meet mine he slowly leans in and presses his lips to mine. He only barely grazes my mouth with his but it’s enough that I think his lips are softer than I would have imagined. It’s the last real thought I have for some time. It’s like my brain just stops functioning.

  He moves away slowly, gradually breaking the contact and he continues to look at me, searching, and I’m just frozen and incapable of thought. Eventually, he leans in again, closer this time and when his mouth meets mine this time he doesn’t break away. We’re the same height so neither of us is forced to bend or reach uncomfortably. We simply fit. He takes my bottom lip between his, softly, tentatively. One hand moves from my waist to the small of my back bringing me closer to him while the other hand comes up to graze my jaw and brush my cheek before settling at the back of my neck with fingers entangled in my hair.

  He moves his feet, nudging me gently backwards and I shuffle my feet until my back comes up against the cavern wall. Why am I always up against a wall? If my brain was working I would realize how hard my heart is pounding. It’s not anxiety though. I’m not sure what this is. It’s almost like when Tabitha kissed me and I was so blindsided and confused until she told me not to overthink it. Of course I already stopped thinking the moment his lips touched mine.

  He’s still tentative as he softly pecks then gently sucks at my lips, first the bottom, then the top. It’s…pleasant. The tip of his tongue lightly and hesitantly runs over my lips, seeking entry and, just like it did when Tabitha was kissing me and touching me in places I’d never been touched, my body reacts without any guidance from my brain. My lips part and his tongue timidly seeks mine. When my own tongue returns the gesture he gives a soft moan and that sound and the sensation of the vibration of it against my lips causes my stomach to flip.

  It’s like butterflies, the wooptie doos or whatever that stomach flipping sensation is and it makes my heart beat faster, makes me feel weak like I can’t stand. He has his confidence now and the kisses are no longer tentative. His fingers curl and uncurl in the hair at the back of my neck. The hand at the small of my back pulls me into him as he deepens the kiss. He tastes like red licorice.

  I can only breathe in short, panting breaths and my stomach continues to flip flop and the butterflies flap their wings. Kissing Holly was nothing like this. Even kissing Tabitha doesn’t compare. He pulls back the slightest bit giving me a break as he lightly licks his tongue over my lips again. I try to catch my breath but it’s useless. I can feel my chest rise and fall with the effort. He moves the hand from the back of my head to touch just his fingertips to my cheek in a tender gesture and I lean into his hand.

  “Noah,” he whispers against my lips as he runs his thumb lightly across my cheek and an electric charge shoots through me and an odd yet strangely pleasant tightening in my stomach makes me moan.

  “Oh, God, Noah,” this time he whispers in my ear before softly kissing it and sucking on my ear lobe and that sends an entirely new set of sensations running through me.

  His lips latch on to mine again and now he moves his body against me. He’s kissing with his whole body in a way I’ve never been kissed. I didn’t know kissing like this existed. I didn’t know these kinds of sensations existed. I feel like I’m going to burst out of my skin. Suddenly it doesn’t feel so cold anymore.

  This entire time my arms have been hanging uselessly by my sides. Max still has the one hand behind me while the other is stroking my hair, my cheek, up and down my arm and up and down my side. As he kisses me and touches me I do my best to kiss back even though my panting breath is starting to make me dizzy. Yes! I want him to take in all of my breath, please! Kiss me until I pass out or something. I feel like we could be closer. I want him closer, need that in fact. My useless, stupid arms finally find their purpose. My hands reach for his waist so that I can pull him against me. I want him to crush me into this stone wall!

  It’s weird how the purely physical Noah wants this to continue but the brain or the mind or my BEING or whatever it is (that has up until this moment taken a vacation) seizes control the second it wakes up and starts working again. Instead of pulling him closer, my rising hands continue past his waist and land with force against his chest pushing with all of my might.

  “What the fuck?!” the brain makes the mouth say even though the lips want to continue the kiss and Max stumbles backwards and opens his eyes with a look of confusion. His lips are redder than usual and slightly swollen and wet with his efforts.

  “What the fuck, Max?!” I shout again and I’m shaking. He runs his hand through his hair and looks at me pleadingly.

  “Oh Jesus, I’m so sorry, No,” he says but I don’t want to hear it because what the Hell was that? I don’t want an apology. I don’t even think I want an explanation. I just want to be very far away from him right now…my mind does at least. The rest of me still shakes with…pleasure? Desire? Oh shit. Oh fuck!

  My heart now pounds with adrenaline instead of the amazing butterflies from before and I can feel the anxiety take over. It’s happening quickly. I’m gasping, shaking because again, what the Hell WAS that?

  “Would it be possible to just pretend that didn’t happen?” Max tries to laugh as he reaches out a hand to me and steps towards me. I knock his
hand away and shove past him. I need to get out of here now.

  I go to the edge of the waterfall where we slipped into the cavern and I look back at the rock ledge we jumped down from. It’s high…much higher than I thought when I was jumping down. I don’t know if I can jump that high with little clearance, not much space to get a good running start and slippery rocks everywhere. I close my eyes and try to take a deep breath but as the anxiety builds I lose my ability to breathe properly.

  I think about the rocks below and the cold water churning in frothing whiteness. I think that trying to get out this way could very well be what kills me. It doesn’t matter. I need to get out of here and it’s not because I’m afraid Max will witness a panic attack. I need to get away from him. I take a few steps back and try to steel myself for what will most likely be failure but as I make to jump my coat is grabbed from behind and I’m pulled backwards off balance.

  I fall backwards into Max and he stumbles back a few steps but he doesn’t fall and he doesn’t let me fall. My back is to his front and as I try to break away from him he grabs me in a bear hug around the arms. I struggle but he’s stronger than me.

  “Jesus, Noah! Are you trying to get hurt? You can’t go that way! Didn’t you hear me calling to you? Please just calm down,” he says it directly in my ear the way we’ve been talking all afternoon. It tickles and gives me goose bumps and there’s that tightening in my stomach again and I curse my body for having a mind of its own. I struggle again uselessly for a moment but I’m getting dizzy and I can’t breathe and I’m going to be full on panicking soon so I finally stop fighting. It’s only when I relax that Max lets go of me.

  “Noah, please just relax. Please, it’s not that big of a deal okay? I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. We’ll never talk about it again, okay? It didn’t happen. Just relax and breathe and calm down and we’ll leave, alright?”

  “Just get me out of here!” I shout. My voice is shaking as much as my body is and my chest hurts and I know I’m eventually going to be sick and I don’t even care that Max will see it all happen.

  “We have to go this way. You’ll probably get a little wet,” he tries to take my arm to lead me but I shrug him off and begrudgingly follow him to the other side of the falls. The space on this side is almost non-existent. He was right when he said we’d get wet. We squeeze through a space that doesn’t even look like a space and we do get wet but we don’t get drenched and the water doesn’t push us down into the stream and rocks below. Would I even care right now if it did?

  Max points out what looks like another wall but he begins to climb and I can see where there are hand and footholds in the rocks. It’s hard to climb because it’s wet and slippery and my fingers are getting numb with the cold and I can’t breathe and I’m dizzy. I slip twice but I don’t fall. I feel like I’m climbing out of a grave. I’d almost rather stay in it.

  Max is out already and I still have a few feet to go. It would be easier to climb if I wasn’t panicking. I swear I’m having a heart attack. That’s what that weird fluttering was. I was having heart palpitations in preparation for a cardiac event that I ignored and now I’m going to die out here in the woods. Crying doesn’t make climbing any easier.

  I’m almost to the top and I can see the fading light of day when one of my feet slips and I start sliding down the rocks I just painstakingly climbed. I try to grab hold of anything and my knee bangs painfully off of some rock and I cry out and I know that if I fall all of the way back down I’m not making this climb again. I can die down there at the falls. I don’t care. My chest hurts so much as it is I’m sure it’s only a matter of minutes before my heart stops anyway.

  I don’t fall, as a matter of fact. My descent is halted by Max’s hand grabbing the collar of my coat. “Noah!” he cries as he grabs hold. Now that I’m not falling anymore I try to find a toehold. Max grabs my hand with the one not holding my coat and he heaves and pulls me out and we fall onto the ground hard. Of course I fall on top of him because the day would not be complete if it had happened any other way. Touching him, even through layers of clothing, shoots electricity through me and I just don’t understand any of this.

  “Don’t touch me!” I say through gritted teeth as I scramble away from him. I don’t care about the tears streaming down my face. I don’t care about Max trying to sooth me.

  “Noah, shh, Noah, relax,” he says soothingly but I’m hyperventilating and dizzy and my stomach flips but not in that pleasant way it did before and then I’m retching over and over again. I haven’t eaten since breakfast so there’s not much to come up but what’s left in my stomach soon lies in the grass. When I’m done purging I practically crawl to the lake’s edge and scoop up a handful of water to rinse my mouth. I don’t even care that it’s probably full of fish poop or pollutants. I rinse and spit, rinse and spit over and over and over as if I can rinse away the memory of what happened.

  “I don’t know what to do here, No. You’re going to have to tell me what you need. Please just calm down so I can get you out of here, okay?” He’s still talking with that soothing voice but right now I don’t want to hear. I can’t get far enough away from him fast enough. I struggle to my feet and look around without responding. We came in from the other side of the lake. How do we get back to the path? It’s not like there’s a boat here ready to ferry us across.

  “We have to go around the lake and head upstream where we can cross,” Max says as if he can read my mind. He’s still using that soothing tone. It’s the same tone he used last night when I cried on his shoulder. Was that really less than twenty four hours ago? How is that even possible? “In the winter when the lake freezes you can walk straight across. That’s definitely easier and quicker. I’m sorry, Noah, we’ve got a bit of a walk ahead.” Once more he tries to put his hand on me in encouragement or sympathy and I shake him off. He sighs and starts walking.

  We walk in silence for a while and it’s the first time silence with Max feels wrong. Of course it feels wrong. Everything about Max and me is wrong now. I’m still shaking and my chest still hurts but it’s possible now to take deep breaths and I stumble along slightly behind him. Every once in a while I have to wipe my eyes so I can see to follow him.

  Eventually we get to a point in the stream where the water isn’t terribly rough and there are huge boulders that rise up out of the water. It takes Max a pretty big leap to get to the first one but once he’s gained the first boulder the rest are somewhat close to each other and make a strange, natural walkway. He stops on the second boulder to beckon to me. I try not to notice the look on his face. I don’t want to feel anything for him let alone sorry but he just looks so absolutely devastated right now that I feel a little pang of regret.

  I almost fall as I jump to the first boulder. Of course I do. I’m not just a physical and mental mess right now but my shoes are not the best for hiking and I silently curse Max for not at least making this easier on me by making sure I had proper footwear. Jumping to the next boulder isn’t so hard and soon I’m across and jumping onto the far bank where Max stands waiting.

  He doesn’t try to talk to me again for which I’m grateful. The pain in my chest isn’t so bad anymore and I think the worst of the attack is over. Eventually we get back to the path and it doesn’t take long to get to the car from there. It’s getting close to being dark so I know it’s almost dinner time. I just pray my parents aren’t home yet when I get home. There’s no way I can sneak in and act like everything is normal if they’re at home.

  When we get to the car I walk right past it. I have no intentions of getting in a car with him. I realize it will take me a long time to get home on foot so my parents actually will probably be home by the time I get there. I weigh the lesser of two evils and decide that while I’m walking I can come up with some kind of story about where I’ve been. Actually, the long walk home will probably be just what I need to clear my head and try to get the anxiety under control.

  “Noah!
” Max yells. I ignore him and keep walking. “Dammit, Noah!” I hear the slam of the car door and then he starts the engine. Next there is the crunch of tires in gravel as he turns the car around in the lane and then he’s driving up behind me much too quickly. I move over as far as I can so that he can get around me but when he does he turns the wheel sharply, cutting in front of me. He jumps out of the car.

  “Noah, what do you think you’re doing? Just get in the car. You can’t walk all the way home. Please…”he pleads, “Just get in the car, No.” I stare at him with what I’m assuming is a blank look.

  “You…” I start and falter. I have nothing to say. Last night I cried on his shoulder and today I can barely look at him. I don’t want to be near him.

  “Noah, I made a mistake okay? I apologized for it. I’ll apologize again. I’m sorry, No. Don’t be this way. Please just get in the car. Let me take you home.” I glare at him for what feels like ten minutes. It’s probably only ten seconds. He’s right even if I don’t want to admit it. It would be stupid of me to walk. He at least owes me transportation. I silently walk around the car and get in the passenger side.

  Max stands outside the car for an extra minute before getting in and putting it in gear. He doesn’t look at me until he turns onto the main road and then he glances my way. I turn to look out the window. The panic attack is over but I still don’t feel right. I feel sick and not just in my stomach. I’m sick in my heart. He was my best friend, MY Max. How could he ruin that? How could he…pervert that?

  I think if he doesn’t drive faster I’m most likely going to throw up before we get home. If it was Max’s car I would have no problem with that but I’m very aware of the baby seat in the back seat. I’d hate to do that to Lydia. Just hurry up, Max! I will him to hear my thoughts.