Behind the Falls Read online

  Just before dawn I have a totally different dream. In it I’m kissing Tabitha and it’s just like the night that it actually happened. We’re on the Maxwell patio and then Max shows up and he’s furious and hurt and all of the things Max actually was that night but instead of being mad at Tabitha, this time he’s mad at me. He’s yelling at me and asking me how I could do that to him and Tabitha finds it amusing but I’m just begging and pleading with Max trying to convince him how sorry I am.

  He grabs me by the arm and pulls me away from Tabitha the way he pulled her off of me in real life but then he’s kissing me. I feel the stomach flipping and I let him crush me against the patio wall with his weight and then he’s whispering my name into my ear and I feel the electricity and thrill run through me and then I put my hands on his waist and pull him closer like I almost did in reality before I pushed him away. Tabitha is yelling at me that I ruined everything and then I wake up and it’s only then that I realize it’s a dream.

  The fact that I wake up hard is not the surprise. I mean, I am a sixteen-year-old boy after all. This is a rather common occurrence…but waking up that way after THAT dream? I’m just so messed up and it makes me angry. I’m so incredibly angry at Max for doing this to me. It was bad enough when Tabitha kissed me and things got messed up but this is even worse. How do I go back to school tomorrow?

  I know I won’t be able to go back to sleep so I get up and shower and put on comfy sweats and drag a blanket and a pillow out to the couch. My parents think I’m physically ill so I’m only too happy to play along. I almost feel sick but it’s heart sick not physical illness. It’s too early to find something good on TV on a Sunday morning so I’m watching a movie on Netflix when my parents finally get up and Mom starts getting breakfast ready.

  I still don’t have much of an appetite so I just have some peanut butter toast. Mom takes my temperature again and this time I don’t even try to heat up the thermometer. “Well your temperature has come down,” she says when she checks the thermometer. “Are you feeling any better?” No, not really but thanks for asking.

  “I guess,” I say and go back to staring at the TV without really paying attention to the movie. Kimber calls me around lunch time and I take the call in my room. I need to talk to someone. I don’t know if I can though.

  “I’m sorry it took so long to get back to you,” Kimber apologizes. “I was on an overnight field trip and then I was busy with the play. I’m going to be in the school play, did I tell you? So how are things in PA?”

  “I want to come home,” I say with zero emotion in my voice. It even freaks me out so I’m not surprised when Kimber sounds upset.

  “Noah? What is it? What happened? Are you okay?”

  “Things are just so messed up!”and now the emotion is back in my voice.

  “Is it the anxiety?” she asks.

  “That, and…other things. I just don’t want to be here anymore.”

  “Have you told your parents?”

  “I can’t tell them. They moved us here for me. I can’t tell them it was all a waste. It’s not just the anxiety. There are other things…”

  “Noah, you can talk to me, you know. You can always talk to me.” Usually I can talk to Kimber about pretty much anything but I don’t think I can talk to her about this.

  “I just lost my best friend,” I admit. “That must sound stupid to you, childish,” I say because Kimber has always had a lot of friends even before she went to public school.

  “I don’t think it’s stupid or childish. I think it sounds like a pretty crappy thing. What happened?” If there’s anyone I can talk to about this it’s Kimber.

  “On Friday…Max…No. I don’t want to talk about it. Just distract me or something. Could you do that for me? Just tell me about school and your boyfriend and the field trip and your play. Just give me something normal to think about, okay?”

  “Noah, I think you should just talk to your parents…”

  “Please, Kim, just give me some normal. I’m okay. It’s not too bad. I won’t let it get bad okay? Just talk to me.” Finally she agrees to let it go and she rambles for a while about her normal life. I wish I could have that. I thought I was on my way to having that but it was a lie.

  After an hour on the phone with Kimber I feel a little better. I know I’m going to see her in a few weeks. Maybe I can talk to her then, when I can see her in person, see her face as I tell her…Tell her what exactly? How confused I am for one thing.

  “I have to go. Paul is picking me up soon. I won’t let so much time go by before I call again, okay, Noah? Promise me you’ll talk to your parents if it gets any worse.”

  “Okay,” I agree even though I’m not so sure I can keep that promise.

  “I’ll see you in a few weeks. I love you.” The fact that she doesn’t call me Freak lets me know she’s more worried than she’s letting on. I hope she doesn’t say anything to her mom. Aunt Sarah will definitely be on the phone to my mom immediately if she does.

  I always feel better after I talk to Kimber. I wish I could have told her about what happened on Friday but I think I need to process it myself a little more first. I spend the rest of Sunday tackling homework and just laying around the house. I tell Mom I’m going to need a ride to school again and she raises an eyebrow but doesn’t ask any questions. I wish sleep could come as easily on Sunday night as it did all day Saturday but I’m restless and can’t sleep worrying about seeing Max at school tomorrow.

  November

  Monday morning comes much too soon. I’m tired and anxious about going to school. I can only avoid Max until chemistry and then what do I do? I mean, he’s my lab partner. I have to sit right next to him. Maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll be home sick. I seriously doubt it. By the time I’ve showered and dressed I’m so worked up about going to school that I break down and decide to take the meds. This will mean asking Mom for some since I never did get that single dose container refilled. Of course she’s immediately concerned.

  “What’s wrong?” she asks when I tell her I need some Xanax. I just shrug.

  “I’m just feeling a little anxious,” I tell her, trying my best to underplay it. “I just don’t want it to get any worse.” She refills the single dose container and puts it in my bathroom then gives me the dose I need now. Of course I open wide to show her I’ve taken them. She lets it go for now and I think I’m in the clear…that is until we get in the car.

  “What is it, Noah?” she asks as she drives. “Is that what was going on this weekend? Were you really sick or were you having an episode?” An episode…that’s their nice way of saying I was freaking out too much to leave the house. That used to happen a lot when I was younger.

  “Mom, you SAW my temperature,” I say in my defense. “I’m just a little on edge this morning. I wanted some Xanax. I have a prescription for a reason.” If I get defensive enough she might feel bad and let this drop. That’s worked in the past.

  “Does this have anything to do with why you needed a ride today?” she pries. Nope, she’s not letting it drop. I heave an exaggerated sigh.

  “One thing has nothing to do with the other,” I say a little too loudly. “If you really must know, if it’s really any of your business, last weekend Tabitha started a fight between Max and me and things have been a little off since then. I can’t very well expect her brother to keep giving me a ride to school when we can barely look at each other can I?” Mom glances over at me in shock at my outburst. I usually react with fear, not anger. It’s time to go in for the kill now so she feels badly enough to just drop it. “If it’s really that much of a problem I can take the damned bus. Just stop the car now and I can walk the rest of the way.” I start taking off my seatbelt.

  “Noah, just calm down! Of course it’s not a problem to drive you I’m just concerned. You haven’t been acting like yourself since last week and I have to say this new thing where you think it’s okay to yell at me is not acceptable.” She’s good and angry now. That’s good
. I can handle her being angry if it keeps her from being worried. I play the sullen, silent teenager the rest of the way to school.

  I don’t say anything to Mom when she drops me off in front of the school. I just get out of the car and slam the door. I’m worried about running into Max on the way to homeroom. His locker is only just down the hall from mine so this will be the most difficult time to avoid him. I walk hunched into my jacket, head down and eyes on the floor. I’m trying to make myself as small and unnoticeable as I can.

  I make it to my locker and I’m just closing the door when a hand touches my back lightly. I freeze and then I hear Sherrie’s voice. I let out the breath I was holding.

  “You must be feeling better,” she smiles. I nod.

  “It was like a forty eight hour thing,” I say. I’m trying not to be obvious about the fact that my eyes keep darting up and down the hall. I try to make myself look at her.

  “We had a really good time. Some of the costumes were just insane! I wish you could have been there. I’m sorry you didn’t feel well.” As she’s talking I see him coming down the hall with Tabitha. She glares at me as she walks by but he’s slowing. No, do not stop, Max. I look back to Sherrie as if I haven’t seen him.

  “I’m really sorry I couldn’t make it,” I say and then I have a sudden surge of inspiration. Max says Sherrie likes me, right? Well let’s just see. “I want to make it up to you. Uh…are you busy on Friday?”

  “I thought about maybe getting a few friends together to go to the movies. It’s a new one this week,” she says. No movie shown at the Lansing Theater is ever actually NEW. They show movies after they’ve been in theaters for ages and just before they come out on DVD and they show the same films for like a month straight but when there’s not much else going on a lot of kids like to go to the theater just for the hell of it.

  “Well, um, we could go? I mean, just you and me? Would that be okay?” I stammer. Sherrie’s face lights up with a bright smile. Damn if Max wasn’t right.

  “I think that would be more than okay,” Sherrie says. I can see Max just a few feet behind her. He’s actually going to try to talk to me here in the hallway? Didn’t he get it when I said to just leave me alone?

  In an uncharacteristically bold move I lean in and kiss Sherrie on the cheek. It’s just on the cheek but I linger there for a moment and touch her other cheek lightly as my lips linger on her soft skin. Max stops dead in his tracks. Sherrie just looks at me for a moment then she trails her fingers down my arm and takes my hand and turns, leading me to homeroom. My heart is pounding like a jackhammer but I manage to let my eyes slide over Max like he doesn’t exist as we walk by.

  I don’t hear the morning announcements in homeroom. I don’t hear the bell ring. It’s just as well. I linger in homeroom until I’m in danger of being late to calculus then I have to rush down the hall to class. I slip in the door just before Mrs. Kabobcheck closes it. I don’t look across the room towards Max’s seat. When class is over I practically run out of the room. I’ve never been so happy to sit in the first row by the door.

  As the morning rushes by too quickly hurtling me closer and closer to chemistry class I’m feeling more and more anxious. I’m glad I took the Xanax this morning but is the stuff even working? My heart is beating too quickly and I feel slightly sick in the stomach. I linger down the hall from the chem lab and again I wait until the last minute to get to class. I have to sit right next to him but I don’t need to sit there and talk to him before class starts.

  I try not to look at him as I walk to the back of the room where we sit but it’s like I can’t look anywhere else. He looks pretty miserable but he doesn’t say anything when I sit down. Well thank God for small miracles. It’s a lecture day not a lab day so basically the entire class is just note taking. When the bell rings I shove my books into my backpack and stand quickly.

  “So you’re really going to be like this?” he says as he rises slowly out of his own seat. I just glare at him and walk away.

  By the time I get to lunch I have such a nervous stomach and a headache to match that I can’t even really eat. I just sit with Sherrie and her friends with my back to Max’s table and sip on some water.

  “Still not feeling that great, huh?” she says when she realizes I’m not eating. I shake my head and she gives me a brief hug.

  I leave lunch a few minutes early so I can go to the nurse’s office and request some meds. This is the first time since September that I’ve needed the drugs at school. The nurse seems all concerned and asks if I need her to call my parents.

  “No, just a little anxious….tests,” I say feebly. I take the second dose of Xanax for the day and head to computer science.

  The rest of the day drags. I just want to go home, get my homework out of the way and go to bed. I’m not sure how to avoid Max in art class because it’s such a loose environment. People are always walking around, checking out everyone else’s work, getting supplies, it will be impossible to avoid him. I end up skipping the class. It’s only art, after all. It’s probably my favorite class of the day but it’s not like I’ll miss something important and fail a test. I’ll have to deal with it tomorrow I suppose but I just don’t have it in me today. I go to the library and act like I belong there and no one questions me.

  When the final bell rings I practically run to my locker. I just want out of here. Of course my class is pretty far from my locker so Max is there before me anyway. Well, he’s not at my locker, he’s at his own but that’s too close for comfort. I grab the books I need and hastily put on my jacket and then there’s Sherrie. She’s like some angel of mercy or something.

  She chats with me while she gets her own books and coat from her locker and Max and Tabitha walk by without incident. I notice that Tabitha puts an arm around his waist as they walk by and she tiptoes up to kiss his cheek. He just goes along with it and then they’re out of site.

  Sherrie walks with me to the exit where we part ways, her to her bus and me to Mom’s car out front. When I get in the car Mom doesn’t say anything. She must still be upset with me about the way I behaved this morning.

  “I’m sorry,” I say quietly. “I was just in a bad mood this morning.” I can see her clench her jaw as she drives. Finally she responds.

  “Some things need to change, Noah,” she begins in a terse manner. “I know you’re growing up and I know you want to do things on your own and have a little more independence but I don’t like some of the things I’m seeing.”

  “Like what?” I ask defensively. “I don’t drink or do drugs or stay out all night. You always know where I am. I don’t have sex. I don’t swear all that much. I’m not addicted to video games. I get good grades. Just what the Hell am I doing wrong?”

  “Well this new found attitude and talking back is going to stop now. If this is what public school is going to do for you then maybe we should just go back to homeschooling. I also think…”here she hesitates for a moment and I know I’m not going to like what she’s going to say next. “I think we need to change the schedule with Dr. Cooper to at least twice a month.”

  “Mom, no!” I fire back. “No way, he said once a month. HE’s the doctor. Don’t you think he knows what’s best?”

  “I don’t think he knows anything about you, Noah. I don’t think you’ve been exactly forthcoming with him. I don’t think you’re being very honest with any of us lately.” I always knew my mom was the observant one dammit.

  “Maybe I’m just fine now. Maybe I don’t have anything to say to Dr. Cooper because I’m finally over this crap and I don’t need therapy. Maybe I deserve a little credit for being normal finally.” I can feel my ears and cheeks heating up so I look out the window so she doesn’t see how red I’m getting.

  “If that’s true, and honey I really want that to be true, then why did you need meds this morning? When exactly did you use your one dose while we’re on the subject?”

  “I used the one dose when Max took me to Hershey. Thanks a lot fo
r putting me on the spot on that one by the way,” I accuse. Just saying his name out loud gives me a weird, shaky feeling.

  “So maybe you’d like to tell me what happened between you and Max. Is that what this past weekend was really about?” My heart is pounding. How exactly does she know about Max?

  “Nothing happened, what do you mean?” I try to control my voice. How does she know something happened? How much does she know about it? We’re almost home. I can’t wait to just go to my room and hide from all of this.

  “Lydia said Max was moping around uncharacteristically all weekend and all he would tell her and Mark was that he did something that really upset you and you wouldn’t forgive him. Is that true?”

  “I was SICK this weekend. YOU took my temperature. It’s good to know you trust me so much. Oh yeah, you don’t. That’s why I’m not even allowed to hold my own meds. Yeah, Max and I had a fight. No we’re not friends anymore. It’s high school. It happens. People come and go. Are you so bored you have to gossip about my social life? Just leave me alone!” We’re at the house now and I jump out of the car and slam the door, storming into the house ahead of her.

  I’ve never talked to either of my parents the way I just talked to my mom. I owe them every tiny scrap of normalcy I’ve ever had in my life. I can’t imagine the burden of being my parents and they carry it uncomplaining. I can’t let her stick her nose too far into this thing with Max though. If I have to be a complete shit to get her to wash her hands of the worry about me then that’s what I’ll do.

  I slam the door to my room but of course I don’t lock it. That will just have them banging on it and yelling about locked doors anyway. I try to get my homework done. I text Kimber. I tell her all about fighting with Mom. I don’t expect an answer any time soon. She has play practice after school.

  Surprisingly, Mom and Dad leave me alone until dinner. This is what I wanted when I fought with Mom but I didn’t expect to get it so easily. Dad comes to my door and knocks but doesn’t open it.