Behind the Falls Read online

  She bops him on the end of the nose with it and he almost catches it in his teeth but she pulls it away again. Finally, she rubs it seductively along her own lips before touching it to his and letting him grab it. I feel like such a voyeur but I can’t stop watching them. She’s usually so prickly whenever I see her around the school, whether she’s with Max or not but right now she actually looks happy. There’s real affection in her eyes.

  She puts the other end of the licorice in her mouth and they actually do the Lady and the Tramp thing until their lips meet in the middle. At first it’s just an innocent touching of lips. He touches her jaw with the very tips of his fingers then he wraps his fingers in the hair at the back of her head pulling her face closer and they’re full on kissing. His other hand goes behind her back and as he presses himself closer into her I have to look down at my shoes. I’m still staring intently at my shoes when I hear her voice.

  “What the fuck are you looking at, new kid?” I was looking at my shoes but when she says this my head pops up and I’m sure I have a “who me?” look on my face. Max turns around to look at me over his shoulder. I’m pretty sure it’s the first time he even realized I was there.

  “Put your claws in, Kitty cat,” he says with a hint of laughter. He turns around and rubs his nose against hers and just like that her frown is gone again. I look to the parking lot to see if Mom is here yet then look back to my shoes. It feels like ten minutes have gone by but it’s probably more like two when Max speaks again. “Do you need a ride?” he asks.

  “What makes you think it’s okay to give him a ride?” Kitty Cat says but her tone isn’t as bitchy as it was before. He softens her somehow.

  “Terry, will be cool with it,” he says. To me he says, “Her brother drives us but he’s in detention today for another ten minutes. I’m sure it’s no problem if you need a ride. Terry’s cool.”

  “No, thanks my mom is on her way,” and could I SOUND like more of a dork? Apparently, Max’s girl doesn’t think so.

  “It’s okay, Max, his mommy is picking him up,” she coos.

  “Claws, Tabitha,” he warns in a serious voice. Tabitha? “It was just last year your mom was driving ALL of us so there’s no need to be a judgmental bitch. Her brother is the only one of us with a car,” Max explains. I find myself wondering if the brother is older or younger than her. If he’s older then she’s not a senior.

  “I forgot you two don’t actually know each other yet. Tabby, this is Noah, Noah this is Tabitha.”

  “Never call me Tabby,” she sounds threatening.

  “Never,” I agree and suddenly I get it, the nickname, Tabitha, Tabby, Tabby cat, Kitty cat. Well, Max is right about her claws anyway.

  “Don’t let her attitude put you off,” Max looks over his shoulder again and smiles reassuringly. “It’s not just you. She hates everyone.” He gives her a quick kiss then swings his one leg around until he’s turned around seated on the bench next to her. He rests his head on her shoulder and closes his eyes. I’ve always heard that opposites attract but I really don’t understand this relationship. Still, she is pretty cute. Mom pulls up out front and I offer a quick goodbye then I’m out of there.

  Friday immediately after school I have my first appointment with my new doctor. His name is Dr. Cooper. The first session is less than stellar. I don’t like him. I don’t really know him so that’s not fair but I don’t feel comfortable with him so I clam up and he does most of the talking. I’ve been with Dr. Bachman since I was fourteen. She’s really been the only doctor to ever actually help me. I trust her completely. This guy is a stranger to me and he’s going to have to prove himself.

  When my time is up he calls my mom in to talk to her alone. I KNOW he’s not allowed to tell her anything I said even though I didn’t really say anything, but I don’t like it. There’s nothing he should be saying to Mom that he can’t say in front of me. Dr. Bachman talks to my parents in front of me. I’m the patient after all.

  “What was that about?” I ask as we’re driving home. “Why did he have to talk to you alone?”

  “Oh, Noah, it’s nothing. He just wanted to plan out your next appointments and determine how often he’ll be seeing you and to ask me if I had any concerns.”

  “And he couldn’t do that with me in the room?” I know I’m overreacting. I don’t care.

  “Honey, I wouldn’t lie to you. I will tell you exactly what he said. He said you didn’t seem ready to open up but he’s sure it will come in time and he wants to see you weekly. I told him Wednesdays would be best. No sense you having to do this every Friday, don’t you think?”

  “Weekly?! You agreed to that?” I’m angry. This is like taking a step back. At least that’s how it feels to me. “I only see Dr. Bachman once a month now.”

  “It’s just for now until the two of you are more in sync. You don’t see Dr. Bachman at all now, Noah. You see Dr. Cooper and this is the way it’s going to be for now.” I’m still angry when we get home, it’s only a fifteen minute drive after all, and I go right to my room and start my homework. I don’t even join my parents for dinner I just tell them I’m not hungry and I stay in my room. I’m feeling nervous and distressed. When I get like this sometimes it’s better to be alone so no one can see me if I lose it.

  I have a whole lot of nothing to look forward to this weekend. Normally I would at least hang out with Kimber but now I’m alone and I don’t even want to go watch a movie with my parents when they ask me because I’m still angry with Mom for siding with the doctor and I’m still skating the edge of being okay and needing to take some meds. I don’t want to take the meds. I go to bed early but I lay there awake until well past midnight.

  I wake up really early on Saturday even though I fell asleep so late. I decide to take a run. Running is one of the things I do to help deal with my anxiety. When I first started seeing her, Dr. Bachman suggested some kind of physical activity and since I didn’t go to regular school and wouldn’t be joining any teams running was pretty perfect. I’m more of a distance runner than anything but I am pretty fast and I have great endurance.

  On Saturday night Mom makes fried chicken to try to make up for our “misunderstanding” on Friday. She doesn’t cook big meals often but she makes great fried chicken and she knows it’s my favorite. Usually she makes salads with some kind of lean meat on them or some kind of healthy stir fry or gluten free monstrosity. She tried to get Dad and me to eat tofu once but tofu was where Dad drew the line.

  I spend the rest of the weekend drawing and watching some movies on Netflix on my laptop. By Sunday night I’ve regained a certain amount of calm and I’m actually looking forward to going to school on Monday. What exactly did I do with my time when we lived in Illinois? Did I really spend that much time hanging out at my Aunt Sarah’s with Kimber? I guess I must have because it’s not like I had a lot of friends there but I’m definitely feeling lonely tonight.

  ****

  On Monday morning I have to leave super early again to get a ride with Mom. She’s subbing at a neighboring school district. It’s too early to even get into the library or the art room so I just hang out on a bench in the front of the school hoping the sun will warm me as I read a book. It’s chilly already and September isn’t even over yet. Apparently the farmer’s almanac is predicting an early, cold winter. I grew up with cold winters but I don’t particularly like the cold. If I had been asked about where I wanted to relocate to I would have chosen someplace like Hawaii…of course that would have meant more hours on a plane than I’m comfortable even thinking about.

  As it gets later cars start to filter into the parking lot followed by some buses. I look up from my book to see Max and Tabitha along with another boy coming up the front steps. It’s a small school with less than two hundred students in this year’s senior class but it’s still odd how I keep noticing these two randomly. As usual, his arm is slung loosely across her shoulders. He sees me as they come up the front steps and drops his arm from Tabitha’s s
houlders and casually slumps onto the bench next to me. I slide down to make room and Tabitha somewhat begrudgingly sits on Max’s other side.

  “Ready for your first full week of school?” Max asks. I think he’s just trying to make conversation but instead of answering him I simply shrug. Tabitha is playing with his hair and I feel kind of uncomfortable, like a fifth wheel. I think about moving but I was here first and I’m finally warm. “Don’t talk so much, my friend. It’s off-putting,” he laughs when I don’t answer. Why is it so hard for me to just talk to people? I wrack my brain for something to say.

  “Uh, what is there to do around here?” I ask, thinking of my boring weekend. When we used to visit Gran here it was mostly about seeing her. I rarely had any time to myself. It was a family thing to visit her. On the occasions when I did have some down time I usually just spent it with a book.

  “Not much to be honest. If you have a car or a friend with a car there’s always Lancaster or Harrisburg or Hershey but around here most kids just go to the diner or the theater or school dances. They have a LOT of dances at this school. I think they’re just looking for a way to keep kids out of trouble,” he answers. Tabitha snorts.

  “Like having everyone at the school on a Friday night is going to keep them out of trouble. Tom Hildebrandt was totally wrecked at the last dance of the year. He’s lucky he made it home.” I can feel the shift in Max when she says this. He suddenly seems tense or angry or both and it’s a tangible thing that I can feel just sitting next to him.

  “Tom Hildebrandt is a fucking asshole. I wish he’d been busted,” he seethes.

  “Well he’s in college out of state now so he’s not Lansing’s problem anymore,” Tabitha says as she gives him a peck on the cheek. Max shrugs.

  “He’s not HERE but he’s out there somewhere being someone’s problem.” There’s an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes and I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault. I’m probably better off just not speaking to people. Tabitha already hates me for reasons I don’t understand and now I’ve somehow put Max off too. Maybe it would just be best if I keep to myself, get my work done and graduate. Just as I’m slipping into my typical worrying self-doubt Max clasps a hand on my shoulder and gives it a little shake.

  “There’s a Sadie Hawkins dance on Friday,” Max says. “I bet you get at least a dozen invites, you shiny new toy you.” He’s laughing when he says it but even I know he’s not laughing AT me.

  “So stupid,” Tabitha says, “Sadie Hawkins Day is in November. Why does this school insist on doing more than one?”

  “Sadie Hawkins day is a pseudo-holiday made up for a comic strip that was old before our parents were even born,” Max laughs. “Who cares what Lansing High does with it. Besides, how else would you ask ME to a dance?” As he says this he nudges her shoulder with his and taps his head against hers. She rolls her eyes but she can’t hide her affection.

  “Oh, please, like I need to ask you to a dance. Maybe I’ll ask Kyle or someone else who won’t just complain about the music all night…”

  “It’s not complaining when it’s fact. I swear the dance committee is made up of twelve-year-old girls instead of high school seniors. I mean, the last dance they played Justin Bieber and Demi Lovato? Seriously? My little sister has better musical taste than that. My little brother hasn’t even graduated from listening to the Wiggles and HIS taste is better than that…” Tabitha gets up and rolls her eyes.

  “I have a reading assignment I didn’t do last night and even that is preferable to listening to a Max on music tirade,” she says as she heads towards the building. Max blows a kiss over his shoulder as she goes and she flips him the finger without batting an eye.

  “That girl,” he laughs shaking his head. He turns around and stretches out his legs and just watches people for a minute.

  “Did she say she was going to ask another guy to the dance?” I can’t believe I just said that out loud. Like I need to get into the middle of their relationship...that girl already hates me.

  “Kyle, yeah, her older brother’s best friend. Of course she won’t ask him. She’ll chicken out like she always does. I don’t know what her problem is. Maybe she’s afraid he’ll say no. Maybe she’s afraid it will piss off Terry if she asks his friend out or maybe she’s afraid he’ll say yes. Sometimes it’s best to let the mystery that is Tabitha just be.”

  “But doesn’t that piss you off?” Far be it from me to even pretend to know anything about relationships when I’ve never even kissed a girl, but shouldn’t this make him jealous?

  “Why should it? She doesn’t have to ask him out or tell him how she feels if she doesn’t want to although it would be nice to not have at least one conversation every week where she asks me to analyze everything that he meant in the three sentences he spoke to her at her house the last time he was there.”

  “But, you and her?” I falter at a loss for what to say. Max surprises me with a loud laugh.

  “Tabby’s my best friend. We aren’t a couple,” he explains. I’m wondering about the hand holding and kissing and hugging and especially the scene with the red licorice last week and again I surprise myself by saying what I’m thinking. Is it the chill in the fall air? Is it the meds? Is it that I just feel really comfortable with Max in a way that I’m NEVER comfortable with relative strangers? Who is to say?

  “What about on the bench last week…” is what I end up saying when what I’m thinking is what is up with all of the making out if you’re just friends? Do people do that? Is this the kind of thing I don’t know about because I’m home schooled and sheltered? Max shrugs.

  “She’s my dearest friend. She’s a good kisser. We like to kiss. We like to show affection. As for the day on the bench, we had a lot of time to kill waiting for her brother to get out of detention to drive us home. It was a fun way to kill time.”

  “Doesn’t that make it difficult for the two of you to like, date other people? Doesn’t the whole school think you’re a couple?” I’ve decide here and now that relationships and dating are just going to be things that prove too much for me to handle. Just talking about THEIR weird friendship has me uneasy. Again Max answers me with a shrug. It’s not as if he’s unsure when he answers. It comes across more that he just doesn’t give a shit.

  “She’s liked this Kyle guy for a while now. I don’t know if he knows. I don’t know if she’ll ever do anything about it but she doesn’t have any interest in anyone else and he’s her brother’s best friend. If he does like her I’m sure he knows she’s single.”

  “What about you? Does it put a kink in your social life? Besides, if she’s your best friend and you guys like making out then why not?” This whole thing has me so baffled. This is what happens when you grow up without peer pressure and teenage romance. I should have watched more shows on the CW.

  “Tabby is adorable as I’m sure you can see and if I was the kind of person that was interested in someone based on looks alone I might have asked her out, then again maybe not. When we first came here I was still really stuck on the girl I left behind when we moved. We decided it was best to split when I moved. Pennsylvania to Nevada is a hell of a commute. Long distance relationships just don’t work but I was still in love with her.

  “Tabby was one of the first people I became friends with. I think she saw what she thought was a kindred spirit but that’s not really the case. I mean, yeah, I have piercings and impeccable taste in music which I have to say most of the students here are lacking in both, but Tabitha is seriously Emo through and through. It’s not just fashion for her. She’s had it rough, her and her brother and she’s…I want to say damaged without saying something shitty about my best friend. Is that possible?

  “She has so many issues to work through and she needs to do that and learn to love herself before she can properly love anyone else. She has so much darkness in her and she needs to come to terms with some things on her own. I can’t help her. She has to do it for herself. A relationship between Tab
itha and me would eventually turn toxic. I love her too much to have that happen. Besides, it’s senior year. I just don’t see the point in starting anything with anyone that can’t last so I don’t care if people know I’m single or not.”

  The warning bell rings and Max and I both head into the school towards our lockers and homeroom. “I guess I’m still confused. If you guys like making out, and you love her how can you not get even a little jealous about this other guy?” He laughs an easy laugh. I wonder what it’s like to be Max. I’m always so tense and worried and stuck in my own head and unsure of myself and everything and he’s the exact opposite of that. He’s so easy going and seems so sure of himself and comfortable in his own skin. I wish I could be like that.

  “There are all kinds of love, my friend. Some are easy to define, others not so easy but none is more important than the others. Love is love…and I’m going to love the expression on Mrs. K-bob’s face when I answer her questions in calculus today. See you there,” he waves as I stop at my locker and he heads down the hall.

  Sherrie asks me about my weekend and since I did nothing I just tell her it was okay. She tells me about a trip to a club in Lancaster as we walk to homeroom. I like Sherrie. I like that she does most of the talking and nothing is expected of me.

  Max was right. He does take Mrs. Kabobcheck by surprise when he volunteers to work a problem on the board and it’s correct. He also answers a few random questions and it’s evident that he is smart and last week he really was just taking a break.

  The morning goes by quickly. I still hate the hallways. It’s not that I can’t handle it but I’d really rather not. If I could teleport to my next class I think that would be awesome. Hell, if I could teleport I wouldn’t have to worry about flying either. In chemistry I hesitantly ask Max a question.