Behind the Falls Read online

  “See you tomorrow, No. Don’t wear that outfit to school. Save it for the dance,” is his last bit of advice before he disappears out the door and down the street. It’s only after he’s gone that I realize he’s been calling me No all afternoon. I kinda like it. I’ve never had a nickname before. I head towards the kitchen and wish I was eating at Max’s house too. I was right. Dinner is a recipe experiment and it’s not very good.

  ****

  Friday moves all too quickly. In history class Holly reaffirms that she will be picking me up at eight. I’m distracted all morning and Max calls me on it in chemistry when I almost combine the wrong chemicals.

  “Maybe you should let me do the work today, Noah,” he says and delegates the writing portion of the lab to me while he does the hands on practical work. He looks at me once in a while as he’s working.

  “What?” I finally ask. Is there something on my face? Do I have the start of a zit just in time for this dance? He grins and it shows his one dimple. I always thought dimples came in pairs?

  “Don’t be so nervous,” he says. “Forget Tabitha and her desire to get you kissed tonight. It’s just silly and she’s just bored. Just have a good time. We’ll be there. It will be fine.” I nod but I’m not reassured. As long as I can get through this day and tonight without a panic attack I don’t really care what else happens. A few minutes later he looks at me again. “I didn’t realize your hair was so red.”

  “I wish it wasn’t. I guess I shouldn’t wear black,” I admit. Lighter colors bring out the brown in my hair and darker colors bring out the red. I’m wearing a black button down shirt today, not tucked into my jeans. I liked the way I looked in the outfit Max chose last night and decided to bag the standard polo shirts. Mom tried to make me tuck it in before I left the house this morning but I told her that would make me look like a dork and she stopped fussing.

  “No it’s good. It’s not carrot red, it’s like black cherry red. Girls go to salons trying to get that color. You should let Tabby and I take you shopping,” he continues. “Get rid of those polo shirts.”

  The rest of the day moves along quickly. I’m distracted at lunch and not really listening to the conversations around me. It’s a little too chilly to sit in the courtyard after we eat so Max and Tabitha and I spend the second half hour in the library. The librarian keeps shushing Tabitha who can’t stop talking about the dance and Tabitha keeps shooting back dirty looks.

  After lunch in computer science Sherrie asks me if I’m going to the dance. I tell her that I’m going with Holly. She’s kind of abrupt with me after that and doesn’t smile as much. Maybe Max is right and she does like me but if she does why didn’t she ask me to the dance? How can she be angry with me when she never asked? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…teenage girls are terrifying.

  After school Max comes to my house so we can get chemistry homework out of the way before the weekend. He says he has plans on Saturday and wants to get it out of the way early. I’m fine with that. Having Max there and concentrating on work keeps my mind off of tonight and the case of nerves I’m starting to have.

  Dad meets Max today and has a similar reaction to my mom’s. At first I can see him take in the slightly too long hair and the multiple piercings and I see him thinking like a dad. He’s probably wondering what the odds were that I finally go to public school and become friends with the strangest kid I could find. Once again Max turns parental opinion around after a brief conversation. He talks to Dad about the book and he’s so eloquent and asks such intelligent questions and seems genuinely interested that soon Dad is talking to him like an adult or at least like one of his college students and not the seventeen year-old high school kid that he is.

  Chemistry homework doesn’t take long and Max leaves well before dinner. He offers some words of encouragement before seeing himself out and then I’m on my own to start worrying. By the time Mom calls me to dinner I’m ready to call the whole thing off but I don’t even have Holly’s phone number to call her.

  “Are you feeling okay?” Mom asks as I push my food around my plate without really eating anything. It’s a simple grilled chicken Caesar salad, nothing Mom could really mess up and something I would normally enjoy eating but my stomach is in knots.

  “Just nervous, nothing major,” I try to convince myself as well as my parents. I refuse to have a panic attack over something as silly as a school dance. If only refusing a thing and wishing something could make it so. I wouldn’t need meds and therapy at all anymore. After dinner I keep my mind busy with homework until it’s time to get ready for the dance.

  Finally I’m showered and dressed and waiting for Holly. Mom makes a big deal out of how I look and how her baby is growing up and I’m glad there’s no one else around because it’s just embarrassing really. Dad even lingers around waiting with us for my date to pick me up. How lame am I that I not only had to be asked by a girl on my first date but also have to be driven by her? Exactly why am I doing this? I wish I had time to call Kimber for a pep talk.

  Holly comes to the door and meets my parents. She looks amazing. The dress she’s wearing leaves nothing to the imagination and my dad raises his eyebrows when she introduces herself to them. My cheeks are burning.

  The drive to the school is excruciatingly long. Holly actually expects me to contribute to the conversation and I have no idea what to talk to her about. After the initial conversation staples of “How do you like Lansing?” and “What do you think of these teachers?” and “What are you going to do after high school?” there really isn’t much to talk about.

  We get there somewhat fashionably late. The dance is held in the gym and it’s been decorated for the occasion. With the decorations and the low lights and tables and chairs along with the DJ playing music the gym is transformed. I’m glad it’s dark. When I can’t stop blushing and feeling flustered the low lighting hides my embarrassment.

  Holly finds some friends and we join them at their table. I recognize most of them from one class or another even if I don’t know their names. We don’t sit for long before a slow song is playing and Holly is dragging me out to dance. I’ve never danced with a girl in my life. I’m not sure where to put my hands so I just kind of follow her lead.

  She is shorter than me but she’s wearing heels so she’s not shorter by too much. She clasps her hands around my neck and her forearms rest against my chest. There’s no obvious option for my hands so I place them on her hips. That feels right and she leans in against me a little more as we just sway back and forth.

  “You are so cute, Noah,” she says in my ear and her breath tickles.

  “Uh, thanks. You look really nice tonight,” I reply. We spend the rest of the song just dancing and not speaking. When a fast song comes on we rejoin her group of friends. It’s actually not that bad being at the dance. Most of the conversation is carried by the girls. They actually handle most of the energy at the table too. Their dates chat with me about random things, cars, music, sports and what Illinois was like and how much did it suck moving to a small town like Lansing. Two of the guys are on the football team and they ask if I’m joining any team. I tell them that I enjoy running but I don’t plan on doing any competitive sports.

  The girls have been dancing together on the fast numbers. I’m thankful that slow dancing seems to be all that’s expected of me. If I tried to fast dance I would probably look like I’m having a seizure or something. Actually, the thought of having to dance makes me think I would probably puke on the dance floor. That would be entertaining.

  We’ve been there for over an hour before Max and Tabitha and their group show up. Most of the people from our lunch table are with them and they take an empty table on the other side of the room. Tabitha is full on dressed up in some kind of black funeral looking dress with eye makeup that’s even heavier than what she wears to school. Her look is completed with a studded collar. She scowls at everyone that looks at her for longer than a few seconds.

 
In contrast to Tabitha Max is dressed pretty conservatively. He’s wearing fitted dress slacks and a dark buttoned down shirt with a burgundy tie. He usually wears layers of short sleeved tee shirts over long sleeved tees. Without the layers he’s actually a lot leaner than I thought. Max and Tabitha immediately begin to slow dance. They hold each other close with their arms around each other, cheeks pressed together and just sway to the music. Just watching them together I can’t believe they aren’t a couple.

  Holly leads me onto the dance floor again. This time we just dance and she doesn’t make conversation. It’s not an awkward silence, it’s just silence. When a fast song comes on she takes my hand and leads me off the dance floor but she continues past our table and out of the gym.

  “Where are we going?” I ask nervously.

  “Just somewhere a little more private,” she smiles at me as she leads me down the hallway. She looks around and pulls me into the doorway of a classroom. The classrooms are locked at night but the doors are set back from the actual hallway so we’re in a dark little alcove and hidden from view.

  “I’ve been wanting to get you alone all night,” she whispers as she places her hands on my shoulders and presses me against the wall. “You are so adorable and shy, it just drives me crazy,” she says leaning in closer. My back is pressed against the wall and then she’s leaning against me. I can feel her breasts against my chest and now my heart is pounding. God, this is not the time to have a panic attack.

  She puts her hands behind my neck and pulls me closer and then with no more warning she presses her mouth against mine. My first impression is that her lips are a weird combination of sticky and slippery. She’s wearing a shiny, wet lip gloss that’s cherry flavored but I can taste an underlying hint of the petroleum base. How can girls stand to have this crap on their lips? I don’t think it’s on her lips for long. I think it’s only a minute before it’s all been transferred to my lips.

  She presses closer to me and her hands come down to my chest then continue down across my stomach and continue up and down my sides. One arm curves around my waist and the other hand comes back up to my neck and she deepens the kiss. I shouldn’t be surprised when her tongue parts my lips but I am and I gasp which she seems to take as a sign of agreement. Soon the kiss has deepened and she’s nibbling at my bottom lip and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. I was hoping that it would come naturally and I would just KNOW what to do but it’s all I can do to keep up with her.

  I’ve read about kissing described as “hungry” and I think this is what that must mean. She’s so aggressive and her mouth is hard against mine and I can’t even catch my breath. When we finally part I’m gasping and she takes this as excitement and after a moment to catch my breath she dives in again. I find myself wondering if this is how it’s supposed to be. She’s pretty, she’s got a great body and she’s putting her tongue in my mouth and moaning and biting my lips and all I can think is that it’s too wet, the biting doesn’t feel good and I hate the taste of this cherry covered petroleum jelly.

  Maybe it’s different if you actually like someone before they kiss you. I don’t know. I always kinda expected kissing to be like pizza. Even if pizza isn’t all that good it’s still pizza and therefore it’s still kinda awesome. I expected kissing to be like that but I guess it has to be good to be enjoyable. Or maybe you have to really like the person. Or maybe it’s all my fault and my lack of experience is what’s making it sort of suck. Max and Tabitha make it look like so much fun but I’m just wishing it was over.

  “God, Noah, I could kiss you all night,” she whispers into my ear before she starts nibbling it. She moves from my ear to my neck and I have a brief moment of fear that she’s going to leave a mark but then she quickly moves on. From my neck she moves to my jaw and then she’s back at my mouth. I try my best to accommodate her and respond to her and I guess I’m not doing anything wrong because she at least seems to be enjoying herself. I have no idea how much time has passed when she finally breaks away from me breathless.

  “We should get back before someone comes looking for us,” she says in a throaty voice. She takes my hand and leads me back into the dark hallway and I surreptitiously wipe the lip gloss and wetness from my mouth. I am going to kill Tabitha for coming up with this plan.

  As soon as we get back to the dance Holly goes to the ladies’ room with her friends. I can feel my cheeks getting warm as I realize she’s probably in there giving them a play by play description of what just happened. I hope I don’t sound like a total fool in her retelling. I’m actually starting to be nervous about what she’s saying in there to her friends. She could totally destroy my social life couldn’t she? She’s probably telling her friends right now how horrible the kiss was and how I obviously had no clue what I was doing. She’s probably laughing at the sixteen-year-old senior in high school that can’t even kiss properly.

  If I thought I was going to get through this night without freaking out I know now that I was wrong. My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty and all I can seem to think about it how everything has gone so wrong and weird.

  Is there something wrong with me besides the stupid anxiety? Shouldn’t I have felt something when she kissed me? Was that kiss as bad as I thought it was? I’ve always been a freak and now I’m not even going to be able to hide it anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore. Public school was a bad idea. This is how my anxiety escalates. Suddenly the room is too warm, the music is too loud. I feel like everyone is aware that I’m about to freak out and they’re just waiting for it to happen. I just want to go home.

  A hand comes down on my shoulder startling me and I visibly jump. A rush of adrenaline shoots to my heart and leaves me gasping. I feel like everyone in the gym can hear my heart pounding. How can they not? It’s even louder than the bass drum. Why didn’t I think to take my meds? Did I really think I could do this on my own?

  I turn around to see Max and Tabitha standing behind me. “Jesus, you scared the shit out of me, Max,” I gasp.

  “Sorry, where were you anyway? You looked so far away just now,” Max says.

  “He was probably reliving the kiss. You did get kissed didn’t you? Your lips have that swollen, been making out look. It’s kind of sexy,” Tabitha teases. I don’t feel sexy. I feel like some kind of mutant geek. I don’t have to go into any details because Holly and her friends return and Max and Tabitha wander back to their table.

  “What is their story?” asks one of Holly’s friends. Her name is Jen or Gwen or something that sounds like that. She’s one of the girls at the table that didn’t bring a date.

  “I’ve heard she has a thing for Kyle Newton but she always seems to be with Maxwell,” says Holly.

  “They’re friends,” I offer quietly.

  “Friends with benefits,” laughs one of the guys. I’m uncomfortable with this entire conversation.

  “Well, if they aren’t dating or serious I want a chance with Holden Maxwell,” says Jen/Gwen. “He’s so fucking hot! Those blue eyes and that black hair and his skin is like china, God!”

  “Don’t all of the piercings turn you off?” asks one of the other nameless girls.

  “No way. They give just enough of the bad boy look to an otherwise angelic face. I would suck those piercings right out of his lip,” Jen/Gwen goes on exclaiming about her desire.

  “I’ll let him know,” I laugh even though I have no such intention. Jen/Gwen blushes furiously, proving that she’s all talk.

  “God, no, don’t do that!” she giggles. “Just in case they ARE a couple…I don’t need Tabitha kicking MY ass. That girl scares me.”

  Someone changes the subject and I feel relieved. The rest of the music is mostly fast and Holly dances with her friends again. She tries to get me to dance once and I decline the fast song along with the other guys at the table. Max and Tabitha dance to slow and fast songs. He must not hate the music choices tonight. He actually can fast dance without looking like a total geek. I’m learning that Max
is a really unique creature that seems comfortable in any situation and is good at anything he tries. I can’t figure out why he hangs out with me. Is it because I’m so completely the opposite of him? Am I some kind of new kid charity case to him?

  Max and Tabitha leave before the dance is over. There are a couple more slow songs which I dance to with Holly and then the dance is over and we leave. Holly asks if I want to go to the diner with her friends before we head home but I’m exhausted. It’s been a long night and there were times when I definitely struggled to keep it together. I just want to go home to the safety of my own four walls.

  When we get to my house she doesn’t walk me to the door but she does pull into the driveway and puts the car in park. She turns to me and licks her lips. Great, she’s reapplied her lip gloss at some point. She leans in and closes her eyes and I realize that this time she expects me to kiss her. I realize that the fastest way to get me out of this car and into the house is to oblige her so I lean in and press my lips to hers.

  Again it’s all lip gloss and tongues and too much wetness and now she’s got her hands in my hair and she’s tugging lightly. Is that supposed to feel good? We kiss for a few minutes and when we finally break away I immediately reach for the door handle.

  “I should get going,” I say. “I’m really tired. Uh, Thanks for tonight.”

  “Let’s do it again soon,” she says blowing me a kiss. She stays in the driveway until I’m in the house and then I hear her car back out and go down the street. Of course my parents are up watching TV when I come in and Mom wants a play by play.

  “It was fine,” I say. “I’ll tell you about it tomorrow. I’m really tired,” I excuse myself and go to bed.

  So I’ve survived my first date and my first kiss. I guess the entire evening didn’t suck but it wasn’t something I’m looking to repeat any time soon. I hope Holly didn’t really mean it when she said we should do it again soon. I don’t think I want to go out with Holly again. I mean, she’s a nice enough girl but I just didn’t feel anything for her. I expected to feel something when we kissed. I mean, even if I’m not crazy about the girl shouldn’t I have at least felt a little thrill at the act itself? I don’t know, maybe it’s just part of my own special brand of weirdness. I lay awake thinking about it until late that night.